Around Thanksgiving time, I began to have a feeling that something just wasn't right. I wasn't happy with where I was at, but I wasn't exactly unhappy either. I started to blame this feeling on the college I attend, Iowa State. I've had a hard time reaching out and making friends at such a large university, so I used this to justify my feelings. My second excuse was pointed more towards the psychology program, and the fact that it is more research based, rather than clinical.
By Christmas time, I had strongly considered transferring to a different college. I had family members tell me that Iowa State wasn't the problem. They explained to me that no matter what college I attend, there's going to be struggles. What's important is our attitude and how we handle these situations. At the time, this concept was not clicking with me and I continued to dislike Iowa State. Although I thought about transferring, I never ended up applying to any other schools.
I started to consider other options that didn't include changing schools. One day during Christmas break, I was listening to Pandora radio and a commercial for the Peace Corps came on. I thought, "Alright, maybe this is a sign from God. I'll check it out." After researching both the Peace Corps and AmeriCorps, I decided taking a year off from school would be too long for me. I also wanted a more faith-based program, where I was able to openly share the Gospel. So, I continued to pray.
It's interesting for me to reread my journal entries from November to the beginning of January. The number one thing I wrote/prayed about was not knowing what I was doing, curious if Iowa State was the place for me. I consider myself a bit of a perfectionist, so when I don't have things planned out it's easy for me to get worked up. I became frustrated with the Lord. I was continuously praying, but nothing was happening. I knew my feeling of doubt was there for a reason, but I didn't know why. I felt a desire to serve the Lord, but I had no idea where He wanted me to go, or what He wanted me to do. On January 9th, everything became clear when I read my devotional from Ransomed Heart. Here is a glance at what the devotion was for that day:
“The choice before us is not to make it happen. An adventure is by its nature, a thing that comes to us. It is a thing that chooses us, not a thing we choose. Abraham wasn’t wandering about looking for the one true God; He showed up with an extraordinary invitation. But having had his encounter, he could have chosen otherwise.”
It finally hit me. I have to stop searching and forcing these things. I realized in that moment, I was supposed to be at Iowa State, but I was also supposed to stop doubting God. I figured if He wanted me somewhere else, He would send me an invitation. Three weeks after I read that devotional, I met with a good friend for lunch. I explained my situation to her, and how I had no idea what I was doing. She asked if I considered going to Haiti to serve at an orphanage (where she had previously served). From that point on, everything slowly fell into place. Prior to this, I can honestly say my expectations for what an "invitation from God" would look like, were a bit high. I expected to encounter something huge, with a flash of lightning and He would tell me what to do. Turns out my invitation came while I was eating a Subway sandwich.
Even though this trip is not through Iowa State, I'm able to receive 9 credits for a psychology fieldwork practicum course. This will allow me to still graduate on time, which I am so thankful for! It's been tough for me to push aside my plans, and let God take the lead, but He knows what's best. Once again, I want to thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and love as I take this leap of faith!
13 days!
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